Fat Nigel

Fat Nigel. This is probably a huge contributer to my body image problems. This is not something you want to hear when your 9 years old. Someone called me a 'Fat Nigel' in primary school and it was the first time my weight, or the way I looked, was brought to my attention. It made me realise other people made judgements on other people by the way they look. I will never forget that moment, I went home from school feeling ugly and disgusting all of a sudden. I remember where I was standing (right outside the assembly hall, in a line up to go in and the insult was out of the blue, there was no reason for it). My life at the time revolved around horses, animals, the beach, my family, fun, and my friends and now suddenly I was thinking about how fat I was when I was trying to enjoy life as a 9 year old. I was (and still am I'm sure) a nice kid, I had lots of friends and I may have had a little puppy fat but I was not 'fat', so I was confused. Surely if this kid thought I was a fat nigel, then other kids thought the same? I went through primary school trying to hide the fat, trying to hide my face. I had a fringe because it hid my forhead, at least a bit of my face was covered. Then I started highschool, in year 8 someone called me a fat bitch. Ok, it wasn't directed at me, but this person yelled out to my friends and I as we sat in our group and said to us "you fat bitches"....so this included me. I was 13.........I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of hours I have wasted obsessing over my weight, and what I ate and to this day I still do. I have let SO many moments go to waste because I held myself back, purely because I was worried about how I looked. I genuinely thought that by age 28, nearly 29, I would have grown out of it. Unfortunatley it is still part of my life. The way I see myself is at an all time low as not only have I gained some weight, but I look tired, the crows feet are forming, the boobs have a big sign around them that say "I breast fed 3 kids can't ya tell?" and things aren't how they used to be. I'm not sure how I am going to learn to accept myself, but I know I have to. I have to do it for my two beautiful girls, so that they grow up feeling beautiful inside and out no matter what. I don't want them to waste precious time or moments obsessing over the shape of their body because to be honest, it's exhausting and it pisses off other people. In the past I have had a hard time accepting that the entire male population DON'T only go for the skinny girls, because "fat nigel" and "fat bitches" were delivered to me by males.