Ha another Friday night.....sigh.......one kid down two to go. This has been a really tough week as far as this parenting gig goes. I'm not entirely sure why, or what it is but holy snapping duck sh!t Batman, I have been a big ball of anxiety and stress. I think when there is a teething, clingy 1yr old, an overly emotional 3yr old, a 5yr old with tonnes of attitude and a 28yr old with cabin fever all squished inside the house....well your just asking for trouble aren't ya. I used to love winter, every little thing about it, but now I despise it. I hate it. It makes me angry and it makes me feel sad. I don't like looking out the back door at my beautiful garden with my chookies and vegies and flowers all overshadowed by heavy black clouds and pouring rain. Not to mention the sheer coldness of it all. There is only so much drawing, play doh, cubby houses and ABC2 kids shows I can handle. If I hear "small potatos small potatos small potatos small potatooooeeesss" one more time I seriously think I may just cry a little. Ok not a little, a lot. This has been the worst winter for sickness too, it seems like there is a never ending chest infection that just bounces from one kid to the other, so someone is always freaking sick. Which in turns makes them miserable, which in turn makes me wanna pull my hair out. I think I wear more snot on my sleeve than the kids have in their nose. There's so much god damn snot that I have gone past the conservative and nice method of removing it with a tissue to just using my sleeve. Yeah it's gross, but when your doing it ten hundren million times a day it's much easier. I don't have time to be all proper. The little fella seems to cough and sneeze at the same time which appears to give his snot great momentum. Gross.
Big one has attitude. People warned me it would happen at 5yrs old and it's true. It's like I am battling with a mini 15yr old every day. Also, since when did 5yr old gives two hoots about what they wore and how they looked? It's alarming and it's scary. I have invested interest in self image and body confidence and it is worrying me that she seems to be quite focused on the way she looks or what others think of her. I didn't realise skivvy's were stupid until I was 21! Ok not 21 but I was much older than 5. She freaks out when she see's me whip a skivvy out. She is a beautiful looking child and since she was a baby she has been told over and over by everyone around her how pretty she is...could this have anything to do with it?
The middle one...well well well. Such a funny little thing. She doesn't stop. Ever. I'm not kidding or being over dramatic...all she does is talk, sing and MOVE all day. She does it so much she looses her breath. I have to physically stop her and say "Heidi....take a breath....and now another one" and she does....and off she runs, singing. She's right into getting my take on things. All I hear is "mum look that this, watch this, look what I'm doing, can you see? mum? MUM look, it's funny isn't it mum, it's funny mum, watch this mum, I look funny don't I mum, mum mum mum mum mum!"
There's constant noise in my house. I find this hard to deal with as personally, I crave peace and harmony. I don't cope well with stress or noise or headless-chicken-syndrome, which is kind of tough titties for me because that is what life is right now. There's not much I can do about it.
At the moment, I am trying to find some kind of balance before I really do loose my mind. I am a mother and that will always be my most precious role. That will always come first because, well, I love my crazy monkeys more than anything. BUT. I need to find "me" again. I have lost myself in the abyss of motherhood and I don't think it's terribly healthy. There's so much more to me. I am in the process of organing my vet nurse prac work or even some paid work in a clinic. I am both excited and scared as hell. I've never had to focus on anything else other than the home and my family in over five years. What if I totally suck? What if I am dumber than I thought? What if fellow employee's think I'm an idiot. I'm scared.
I don't mean to be all negative, it's just been one of those weeks. I'm sure I'm not the only one. I won't sugar coat anything. Having kids isn't all huggies adds and cutsie pie clothes and "coffee with the girls" (although I have been doing a bit of that LOL). There are mums out there who look perfect, who look like they;re handling everything with the demeanour of some blissed out totally cool earth mother, but I can bet you not everything is all roses. Anyway....off my soap box about that.
Beading....not much beading going on. I need to buy more beads but lack the funds. I have so many fantastic ideas in my head but first I have to buy it all. It's incredibly frustrating. The creative juices are flowing but I can't make it happen. Waaaaaaaaaaaaa! If anyone wants me to make anything, please let me know. I would love a challenge and it's always much more fun making things for other people as opposed for myself : )
Anyway......it's the girls bedtime..WOOHOOO!!!
