Friday night, have two glasses of bubbly under my belt and oh it is bliss! This week has been super...um...crap. I have been feeling really tired, and some health issues have been playing on my mind and worrying me. We have taken Tayla out of daycare altogether and moved Heidi to a monday so long story short...Tayla no longer goes to daycare but Heidi does and it's on a Monday which means Thursday's and Fridays there is no kindy or caycare or anything and far out brussel sprout they drag. I love my offspring SO MUCH but two days in a row, with the three of them home all day is so tiring.
I made a necklace this week which I really love. I feel a bit weird saying I love something I have made, almost up myself. But here it is.

Long Time No Post

It has been a couple of months since I was last in here, I am finding it difficult to find the time where I am not interrupted. And if I DO happen to stumble upon some precious time that I get all to myself, it gets used for housework, study, or sometimes even doing absolutley NOTHING so that I can turn my brain off for a while before chaos reigns again ; )
I am pleased to say that a friend of mine bought the charm bracelet I put in my last entry. It's a really nice feeling to know that someone out there can enjoy a piece of jewellry that I made. I love making it and I love that it can make someone else happy. I have just ordered a few more bits and pieces and can't wait to get them! Another hobby I have taken up is knitting! I have wanted to do it for such a long time but it always looked too hard. My mother in law came over for lunch the other day and taught me, which I appreciate so much! I find the repitition soothing and get a sense of achievement from it...God I am so lame these days. Poor Chad might have to do a bit of overtime to pay for my crafty activities haha. Here's a pic of my first "cast on" which I learnt from watching a YouTube video about 6 times.

I am a bit dissapointed to say that I have gained nearly 3kg since my post about "Wednesday Weigh in" : (  I can think of a number of reasons why....not excersising, eating too much, LOTS of social get togethers which always involves too much food and too much alcohol (and no, there's none if this 'oh, no thanks I wont have a glass of wine at your shindig' it just doesn't happen), poor time management (I DO have time to excersise, I just put it waaaaaay down at the bottom of the list), I'm always tired so tend to eat whatever takes the least amount of thought and energy, medication, and a few health issues to name a few. These are all actually good excuses, but they are excuses and that's the problem. I CAN loose weight, I have about 10kgs to get rid of. I know I am overweight, I'm now the fat one in the group and thats so depressing. I can't stand to see myself in photo's. I did manage to do 20 mins on the treadmill today though, thats a bonus. I sound like a broken record don't it?

Anyway......I have finished my coffee and now it's time to get this house looking half decent!

Charming

I have been wondering recently wether or not I should either sell all my beading gear or pack it up and put it away. I love doing it, it feels theraputic and in a way feeds the soul. But after I have made something, I think 'now what do I do with this?'. I can't keep making things for myself, and I personally don't feel like anything I make is worth selling. I need more time, and more money so I can get more beads and do more lessons/workshops! Anyway..........yesterday I started to sort some beads out, ready to put into bags and groups to sell/give away and ended up making something instead. It's a very simple charm bracelet, and I used the colours of Autumn for inspiration. I havn't yet put a clasp on it, waiting for a nice one ; )

Bring On Winter

I am really loving this cooler weather today, it's been so humid lately and and it makes me grumpy! I adore summer, it's usually my favourite time of year but this summer went by too fast and in a funny way, it slipped under the radar. We didn't really get a typical 'heatwave' or days and days of scorching hot beachy weather. To me, summer is all about the beach, the smell of suncream, a healthy glow, icecream, watermelon, BBQ's, grapes, sandy foot prints on the floor and that delicious vibe of happiness and satisfaction wafting through the open windows. That didn't seem to happen much at all this summer, we were so busy getting from one end of the week to the other that I think all up, as a family, we only got in a couple of hours at the beach. Pretty sad when we only live a 10 mins walk away! Oh well bring on winter and trackie pants, hot chocolate, red wine, wooly socks, snuggly jumpers, candles, rainy day drives, and cuddling up on the couch with a good movie while the weather outside goes ballistic : )

Despite feeling completley and utterly flat today, I managed to get on the treadmill for 30 mins and gave it all I had. My diets been pretty good too so this afternoon I don't feel too shabby. Looking forward to tonights dinner, 'beer chicken' with morroccan roasted pumpkin and couscous salad, yum. Note to self.....PORTION CONTROL!!!!

Fat Nigel

Fat Nigel. This is probably a huge contributer to my body image problems. This is not something you want to hear when your 9 years old. Someone called me a 'Fat Nigel' in primary school and it was the first time my weight, or the way I looked, was brought to my attention. It made me realise other people made judgements on other people by the way they look. I will never forget that moment, I went home from school feeling ugly and disgusting all of a sudden. I remember where I was standing (right outside the assembly hall, in a line up to go in and the insult was out of the blue, there was no reason for it). My life at the time revolved around horses, animals, the beach, my family, fun, and my friends and now suddenly I was thinking about how fat I was when I was trying to enjoy life as a 9 year old. I was (and still am I'm sure) a nice kid, I had lots of friends and I may have had a little puppy fat but I was not 'fat', so I was confused. Surely if this kid thought I was a fat nigel, then other kids thought the same? I went through primary school trying to hide the fat, trying to hide my face. I had a fringe because it hid my forhead, at least a bit of my face was covered. Then I started highschool, in year 8 someone called me a fat bitch. Ok, it wasn't directed at me, but this person yelled out to my friends and I as we sat in our group and said to us "you fat bitches"....so this included me. I was 13.........I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of hours I have wasted obsessing over my weight, and what I ate and to this day I still do. I have let SO many moments go to waste because I held myself back, purely because I was worried about how I looked. I genuinely thought that by age 28, nearly 29, I would have grown out of it. Unfortunatley it is still part of my life. The way I see myself is at an all time low as not only have I gained some weight, but I look tired, the crows feet are forming, the boobs have a big sign around them that say "I breast fed 3 kids can't ya tell?" and things aren't how they used to be. I'm not sure how I am going to learn to accept myself, but I know I have to. I have to do it for my two beautiful girls, so that they grow up feeling beautiful inside and out no matter what. I don't want them to waste precious time or moments obsessing over the shape of their body because to be honest, it's exhausting and it pisses off other people. In the past I have had a hard time accepting that the entire male population DON'T only go for the skinny girls, because "fat nigel" and "fat bitches" were delivered to me by males.

Daycare Day

Day care day today, so it is just me and the little man at home. While he's having his morning nap I have been doing some beading. Well playing with some ploymer clay to be precise. I made a few very basic beads but I am finding myself getting impatient, frustrated and disheartened. I have reached that point where I am capable of a few different techniques but can't get past that basic stage and onto more detailed, interesting pieces. I have so many ideas stuck in my mind, but I can;t seem to make it happen. There are a few reasons why this is happening. 1) Supplies....I need to buy more colours, and more bits and pieces so I can be more creative, as it stands I only have the bare minimum, 2) Time.....I lack time. Or perhaps I don't lack actual time but I am not the most time efficent or organised person so I never seem to be able to dedicate a decent chunk of time to really learn and practice, 3) Skill!......I would love to attend more lessons/workshops/groups but there's not much here in Adelaide that I'm aware of : ( I just feel stuck at this point and it's starting to frustrate me!
On a positive note, I sent off a heap of assignments for my Animal Behaviour module for vet nursing, yey! Slowly ploughing through it. I really love it, and can't wait to eventually start working again part time. I'm starting to get pet-clucky, this is the longest I have been without a pet in my life and I am really missing the company of animals. I'm sorry chooks, your just not cutting it! Hopefully soon we can bring a pet into our life, bunny rabbits for the girls? Or a bird aviary (I would LOVE a nice big bird avairy)? Dog?

Wednesday Weigh In

Alright, so I am about 8-10kg over my ideal weight. I need to get my ever widening behind into gear and stop making excuses and being lazy otherwise before I know it the kilo's will just keep creeping on. I have no one to blame, no outragous reason for it other than the amount of excerise I do has rapidly decreased while my eating has stayed the same. Actually, the eating bit has probably gotten worse since having my third child because I'm time poor, unorganised, and tired most of the time. So the 'quick' foods are generally not too healthy, or too calorie dense. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin, I am always tired, lethargic, moody, and overall I just feel pratty damn blah. It is time to do something about this. I don't want to be 'skinny' or 'perfect' or anything like that, I just want to feel healthy. I'll always have slightly bigger boobs, a podgy tummy and big hips and thighs. That's just who I am, it's in my genes and there's nothing I can do about that. But I CAN change the amount of excess fat on my body if I want to, and my god do I want to!! I have to be consistant, and dedicated...which I am really good at......for about two days then I'm back to my old bad habits. I began this "health kick" yesterday and so far so good (how sad that it's only day two and I am suprised that I'm still going *sigh*). A small bowl of porridge with a handfull of blueberries with skim milk for breakfast, salada crackers with advacado/tomatoe/tuna for lunch and some kind of relativley healthy dinner. I even went as far as cutting up sticks of celery and carrot and stocking up the fridge with that for my snacks (teamed of course with hommus, low fat)...now I just need to remember to eat those instead of cutting myself a couple of pieces of fritz, eeeeek! Oh, and last night at 5pm I put the boy in the pram and went for an hour long walk along the esplanade. It was motivating to be out walking at that time of day, so many other people out doing the same thing and for a moment I can pretend I am one of those fit and healthy people.....striding along Brighton esplanade in their workout pants, tight singlets and caps.

So. I wasn't going to write down my current weight because it disgusts me (I know, strong word to use but it is true) but I may aswell be totally honest.
Current weight = 70.5 kgs (*gulp*) frickin scary to crack the 70's I tell you!!
Goal Weight = anywhere between 60-64 I'd feel comfortable at.
Will weigh in next Wednesday : )