Feeling Sad

I feel sad today. I stood in the bathroom mirror, nekid as the day I was born, and I cried. I cried because I have let myself down, and I feel like I have let everyone else down. I hated what I saw, and I can't get past it. I am so far from what I used to be even 3 years ago. How can so much change in such a short amount of time? Excuse me for having a gigantic head, but it was only a year or two ago I still got compliments. I noticed males looking at me and now and then I got a "oh you look nice today". All that has stopped. Since then I have piled on 15 kilos, 15 fucking kilos. I look tired and worn out. Generally, this is not a good look and I am aware of it and the proof is in the pudding. No one batts and eyelid. I sound like the biggest selfish shallow person but it's a hard blow when something changes for the negative. I am not entirely sure how I have gained 15 kilos, I eat like a saint most of the time, and excersise a fair bit. I drink wine but I have cut that back too. Yet not one single gram has been lost. I tell you what, it's freaking hard to keep going and trying to loose weight when week after week there is no diffrence on the scales despite the changes I have made. What the fuck is wrong with me? Makes me feel like there is no point, I may aswell eat all the crap I want, because not eating it is doing sweet bugger all.
I hate being in a funk!!

On another note.........the broccoli we planted a while back has started making little baby broccoli's, I was so excited when I noticed it, such a good feeling to see the things you planted actually doing what it's meant to do LOL
Yesterday I planted some more spinache, beetroot and snowpeas. We don't really use the snowpeas but the kids absolutley LOVE going out there and picking them off the vine, they gobble them up so fast, great way to get the vegies into their diet ; )

One of those weeks

Ha another Friday night.....sigh.......one kid down two to go. This has been a really tough week as far as this parenting gig goes. I'm not entirely sure why, or what it is but holy snapping duck sh!t Batman, I have been a big ball of anxiety and stress. I think when there is a teething, clingy 1yr old, an overly emotional 3yr old, a 5yr old with tonnes of attitude and a 28yr old with cabin fever all squished inside the house....well your just asking for trouble aren't ya. I used to love winter, every little thing about it, but now I despise it. I hate it. It makes me angry and it makes me feel sad. I don't like looking out the back door at my beautiful garden with my chookies and vegies and flowers all overshadowed by heavy black clouds and pouring rain. Not to mention the sheer coldness of it all. There is only so much drawing, play doh, cubby houses and ABC2 kids shows I can handle. If I hear "small potatos small potatos small potatos small potatooooeeesss" one more time I seriously think I may just cry a little. Ok not a little, a lot. This has been the worst winter for sickness too, it seems like there is a never ending chest infection that just bounces from one kid to the other, so someone is always freaking sick. Which in turns makes them miserable, which in turn makes me wanna pull my hair out.  I think I wear more snot on my sleeve than the kids have in their nose. There's so much god damn snot that I have gone past the conservative and nice method of removing it with a tissue to just using my sleeve. Yeah it's gross, but when your doing it ten hundren million times a day it's much easier. I don't have time to be all proper. The little fella seems to cough and sneeze at the same time which appears to give his snot great momentum. Gross.
Big one has attitude. People warned me it would happen at 5yrs old and it's true. It's like I am battling with a mini 15yr old every day. Also, since when did 5yr old gives two hoots about what they wore and how they looked? It's alarming and it's scary. I have invested interest in self image and body confidence and it is worrying me that she seems to be quite focused on the way she looks or what others think of her. I didn't realise skivvy's were stupid until I was 21! Ok  not 21 but I was much older than 5. She freaks out when she see's me whip a skivvy out. She is a beautiful looking child and since she was a baby she has been told over and over by everyone around her how pretty she is...could this have anything to do with it?
The middle one...well well well. Such a funny little thing. She doesn't stop. Ever. I'm not kidding or being over dramatic...all she does is talk, sing and MOVE all day. She does it so much she looses her breath. I have to physically stop her and say "Heidi....take a breath....and now another one" and she does....and off she runs, singing. She's right into getting my take on things. All I hear is "mum look that this, watch this, look what I'm doing, can you see? mum? MUM look, it's funny isn't it mum, it's funny mum, watch this mum, I look funny don't I mum, mum mum mum mum mum!"
There's constant noise in my house. I find this hard to deal with as personally, I crave peace and harmony. I don't cope well with stress or noise or headless-chicken-syndrome, which is kind of tough titties for me because that is what life is right now. There's not much I can do about it.
At the moment, I am trying to find some kind of balance before I really do loose my mind. I am a mother and that will always be my most precious role. That will always come first because, well, I love my crazy monkeys more than anything. BUT. I need to find "me" again. I have lost myself in the abyss of motherhood and I don't think it's terribly healthy. There's so much more to me. I am in the process of organing my vet nurse prac work or even some paid work in a clinic. I am both excited and scared as hell. I've never had to focus on anything else other than the home and my family in over five years. What if I totally suck? What if I am dumber than I thought? What if fellow employee's think I'm an idiot. I'm scared.
I don't mean to be all negative, it's just been one of those weeks. I'm sure I'm not the only one. I won't sugar coat anything. Having kids isn't all huggies adds and cutsie pie clothes and "coffee with the girls" (although I have been doing a bit of that LOL). There are mums out there who look perfect, who look like they;re handling everything with the demeanour of some blissed out totally cool earth mother, but I can bet you not everything is all roses. Anyway....off my soap box about that.

Beading....not much beading going on. I need to buy more beads but lack the funds. I have so many fantastic ideas in my head but first I have to buy it all. It's incredibly frustrating. The creative juices are flowing but I can't make it happen. Waaaaaaaaaaaaa! If anyone wants me to make anything, please let me know. I would love a challenge and it's always much  more fun making things for other people as opposed for myself : )

Anyway......it's the girls bedtime..WOOHOOO!!!

Friday night, have two glasses of bubbly under my belt and oh it is bliss! This week has been super...um...crap. I have been feeling really tired, and some health issues have been playing on my mind and worrying me. We have taken Tayla out of daycare altogether and moved Heidi to a monday so long story short...Tayla no longer goes to daycare but Heidi does and it's on a Monday which means Thursday's and Fridays there is no kindy or caycare or anything and far out brussel sprout they drag. I love my offspring SO MUCH but two days in a row, with the three of them home all day is so tiring.
I made a necklace this week which I really love. I feel a bit weird saying I love something I have made, almost up myself. But here it is.

Long Time No Post

It has been a couple of months since I was last in here, I am finding it difficult to find the time where I am not interrupted. And if I DO happen to stumble upon some precious time that I get all to myself, it gets used for housework, study, or sometimes even doing absolutley NOTHING so that I can turn my brain off for a while before chaos reigns again ; )
I am pleased to say that a friend of mine bought the charm bracelet I put in my last entry. It's a really nice feeling to know that someone out there can enjoy a piece of jewellry that I made. I love making it and I love that it can make someone else happy. I have just ordered a few more bits and pieces and can't wait to get them! Another hobby I have taken up is knitting! I have wanted to do it for such a long time but it always looked too hard. My mother in law came over for lunch the other day and taught me, which I appreciate so much! I find the repitition soothing and get a sense of achievement from it...God I am so lame these days. Poor Chad might have to do a bit of overtime to pay for my crafty activities haha. Here's a pic of my first "cast on" which I learnt from watching a YouTube video about 6 times.

I am a bit dissapointed to say that I have gained nearly 3kg since my post about "Wednesday Weigh in" : (  I can think of a number of reasons why....not excersising, eating too much, LOTS of social get togethers which always involves too much food and too much alcohol (and no, there's none if this 'oh, no thanks I wont have a glass of wine at your shindig' it just doesn't happen), poor time management (I DO have time to excersise, I just put it waaaaaay down at the bottom of the list), I'm always tired so tend to eat whatever takes the least amount of thought and energy, medication, and a few health issues to name a few. These are all actually good excuses, but they are excuses and that's the problem. I CAN loose weight, I have about 10kgs to get rid of. I know I am overweight, I'm now the fat one in the group and thats so depressing. I can't stand to see myself in photo's. I did manage to do 20 mins on the treadmill today though, thats a bonus. I sound like a broken record don't it?

Anyway......I have finished my coffee and now it's time to get this house looking half decent!

Charming

I have been wondering recently wether or not I should either sell all my beading gear or pack it up and put it away. I love doing it, it feels theraputic and in a way feeds the soul. But after I have made something, I think 'now what do I do with this?'. I can't keep making things for myself, and I personally don't feel like anything I make is worth selling. I need more time, and more money so I can get more beads and do more lessons/workshops! Anyway..........yesterday I started to sort some beads out, ready to put into bags and groups to sell/give away and ended up making something instead. It's a very simple charm bracelet, and I used the colours of Autumn for inspiration. I havn't yet put a clasp on it, waiting for a nice one ; )

Bring On Winter

I am really loving this cooler weather today, it's been so humid lately and and it makes me grumpy! I adore summer, it's usually my favourite time of year but this summer went by too fast and in a funny way, it slipped under the radar. We didn't really get a typical 'heatwave' or days and days of scorching hot beachy weather. To me, summer is all about the beach, the smell of suncream, a healthy glow, icecream, watermelon, BBQ's, grapes, sandy foot prints on the floor and that delicious vibe of happiness and satisfaction wafting through the open windows. That didn't seem to happen much at all this summer, we were so busy getting from one end of the week to the other that I think all up, as a family, we only got in a couple of hours at the beach. Pretty sad when we only live a 10 mins walk away! Oh well bring on winter and trackie pants, hot chocolate, red wine, wooly socks, snuggly jumpers, candles, rainy day drives, and cuddling up on the couch with a good movie while the weather outside goes ballistic : )

Despite feeling completley and utterly flat today, I managed to get on the treadmill for 30 mins and gave it all I had. My diets been pretty good too so this afternoon I don't feel too shabby. Looking forward to tonights dinner, 'beer chicken' with morroccan roasted pumpkin and couscous salad, yum. Note to self.....PORTION CONTROL!!!!

Fat Nigel

Fat Nigel. This is probably a huge contributer to my body image problems. This is not something you want to hear when your 9 years old. Someone called me a 'Fat Nigel' in primary school and it was the first time my weight, or the way I looked, was brought to my attention. It made me realise other people made judgements on other people by the way they look. I will never forget that moment, I went home from school feeling ugly and disgusting all of a sudden. I remember where I was standing (right outside the assembly hall, in a line up to go in and the insult was out of the blue, there was no reason for it). My life at the time revolved around horses, animals, the beach, my family, fun, and my friends and now suddenly I was thinking about how fat I was when I was trying to enjoy life as a 9 year old. I was (and still am I'm sure) a nice kid, I had lots of friends and I may have had a little puppy fat but I was not 'fat', so I was confused. Surely if this kid thought I was a fat nigel, then other kids thought the same? I went through primary school trying to hide the fat, trying to hide my face. I had a fringe because it hid my forhead, at least a bit of my face was covered. Then I started highschool, in year 8 someone called me a fat bitch. Ok, it wasn't directed at me, but this person yelled out to my friends and I as we sat in our group and said to us "you fat bitches"....so this included me. I was 13.........I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of hours I have wasted obsessing over my weight, and what I ate and to this day I still do. I have let SO many moments go to waste because I held myself back, purely because I was worried about how I looked. I genuinely thought that by age 28, nearly 29, I would have grown out of it. Unfortunatley it is still part of my life. The way I see myself is at an all time low as not only have I gained some weight, but I look tired, the crows feet are forming, the boobs have a big sign around them that say "I breast fed 3 kids can't ya tell?" and things aren't how they used to be. I'm not sure how I am going to learn to accept myself, but I know I have to. I have to do it for my two beautiful girls, so that they grow up feeling beautiful inside and out no matter what. I don't want them to waste precious time or moments obsessing over the shape of their body because to be honest, it's exhausting and it pisses off other people. In the past I have had a hard time accepting that the entire male population DON'T only go for the skinny girls, because "fat nigel" and "fat bitches" were delivered to me by males.